Shit, Actually by Lindy West

Author:Lindy West
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: None
Publisher: Hachette Books
Published: 2020-10-20T00:00:00+00:00

Classic gay person!

Now there’s a car chase. Connery and Cage and the entire FBI absolutely pulverize San Francisco, which they are specifically in town to save. It seems like if you’re Sean Connery, and your whole thing is insisting that you’ve been wrongfully imprisoned by the US government, maybe you should not commit many guilty vehicular homicides the second you have the chance? Or maybe it doesn’t count because nobody seems to be that mad about it. “Damn! This sucks!”—streetcar conductor whose streetcar (i.e., job) just exploded. (Many of these quotes are fake, but this one is real!)

In my memory, this entire movie takes place on Alcatraz.

Counterintuitively, even though he just burned and maimed many, Connery is actually tender. He only ripped Womack’s arm out of its socket and ran away from the FBI so that he could go see his daughter for the first time in twenty years and try to make amends. “I’m not an evil man,” he tells her. She’s skeptical, and just then every cop in San Francisco drives up. Cage, intuiting the sitch, swoops in with the big save: “He’s working with us.”

This is a soft, healthy masculinity of which I approve! Men deserve perceptive, caring friendships with other men!

As they sketch out a plan, the FBI tries to get Connery to tell them the way into Alcatraz, but he just says he’ll know it when he gets there: “My blueprint was in my head! I was underground for three days in the dark.” Everybody’s just gonna have to trust him.

Then, unfortunately, Connery says this: “Womack, you’re between the Rock and a hard case.” Somebody is still rich from writing this line! And, what the hay, I support it!

A Navy SEAL team is assigned to accompany Cage and Connery into the Rock, and buon giorno, look who it is! Fabrizio! Fabrizio promises Cage that he will protect him like he would protect his nonna’s gabagool. Cage feels a little bit better.

They all get suited up in scuba gear—“In my day, we did it all with a schnorkel and a pair of flippersh”—and swim in through a hole in Alcatraz (that was easy). They’re in!

The only way out of this room is through a big tube that is regularly blasted with a jet of flame (what is that for?). Sean Connery offers to roll through the flame tube and unlock the door for everyone, and it’s okay because he “memorized it” sixty years ago. As soon as he rolls through the tube, the Navy SEALs start bitching, “Looks like he fucked us, Commander.” “That son of a bitch jumped ship.”

HOW??? EVEN IF HE DID, HE’S NOW INSIDE ALCATRAZ. HE ESCAPED YOU BY…BREAKING INTO PRISON?????????????

He didn’t, though. He opens up the door and is like, “Welcome to the Rock.”

OPENING CREDITS. (JK.)

It rapidly becomes clear that Nicolas Cage sucks at breaking into the Rock. He is not good at guns, or climbing, or walking, or being quiet, or being fast, or having a good attitude. And yeah, of

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